Animal Jokes!

 

Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!



What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!



What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!



What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!



What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!
What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle?
Your great-ant!



Who was the most famous ant scientist?
Albert Antstein!

What games to ants play with elephants?
Squash!

What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An antique!



What kind of ant can you colour with?
A crayant!

Who is the most famous French ant?
Napoleant!

Why did the ant-elope?
Nobody gnu!



What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant!

Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they are full of antibodies!

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
An independant!
Q: What kind of money to polo bears use?
A: Ice lolly!

Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!

Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!



Q: Why do bears have fur coats?
A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!

Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!

Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!

Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!



Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the Pooh!
Q: What did the confused bee say?
A: To bee or not to bee!

Q: What's black, yellow and covered in blackberries?
A: A bramble bee!

Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!

Q: What is the bees favorite film?
A: The Sting!


Q: What goes hum-choo, hum choo?
A: A bee with a cold!

Q: What's a bee-line?
A: The shortest distance between two buzz-stops!

Q: What is a baby bee?
A: A little humbug!

Q: What do bees chew?
A: Bumble gum!

Q: What does a bee say before it stings you?
A: This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!



Q: What kind of bee can keep an aeroplane dry?
A: An aero-drone!
Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!

Q: Which birds steal soap from the bath?
A: Robber ducks!

Q: What kind of bird opens doors?
A: A kiwi!

Q: What language do birds speak?
A: Pigeon English!

Q: How do you get a parrot to talk properly?
A: Send him to polytechnic!

Q: Where do birds invest their money?
A: In the stork market!

Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
A: The Birds Eye counter!

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A: A bird that talks in morse code!

Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A: A headbanger!
Q: What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A: A catastrophe!

Q: Who was the most powerful cat in China?
A: Chairman Miaow!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
A: A cat-a-logue!

Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
A: An octopuss!

Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

Q: When the cat's away.....?
A: The house smells better!

Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: Because it only ate condensed milk!

Q: Why did the cat cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off!
Q: Why don't chickens like people?
A: They beat eggs!

Q: Why did the rooster run away?
A: He was chicken!

Q: What do chickens grow on?
A: Eggplants!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee calling fowls Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
A: A bird that lays down!

Q: What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
A: She lays hand gren-eggs!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the "net"?
A: It wanted to get to the other site!

Q: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
A: An alarm cluck!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
A: He wanted to lay it on the line!
Why did the elephant walk on two feet?
To give the ants a chance!

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they've no pockets to put things in!

Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?
To stop getting wet!

What do elephants do in the evenings?
Watch elevision!

How to elephants talk to each other?
By 'elephone!

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

When do elephants have 8 feet?
When there are two of them!

What did the elephant say to the famous detective?
It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!

Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"

What do you do if you find a blue elephant?
Try and cheer him up!
Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?
Salmon-chanted evening!

How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
Monkfish!

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
Tsardines!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
Why are gold fish orange?
The water makes them rusty!

Who held the baby octopus to ransome?
Squidnappers!

What part of a fish weighs the most?
It's scales!

What fish do road-menders use?
Pneumatic krill!

What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers!

What game do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna!

What do naked fish play with?
Bare-a-cudas!

What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
An electric shark!

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
Jack the kipper!

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
Whale of fortune!

 

 

Silly Jokes

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!



What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!



Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke
when he's a baby!

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

What is a myth?
A female moth!
How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!



What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?
This match won't light!

That's funny, it did this morning!

What do elves do after school?
Gnomework!

If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink?
Cork!


How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!

How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!
What do Scotsmen eat?
Tart'n'pie!

What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it's lighter!

What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?
Oldham!

What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!



What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!

What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!

Where do tadpoles change?
In a croakroom!
What do golfers use in China?
China tees!


What kind of hair do oceans have?
Wavy!

Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!

In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!

Lions, in the Park?
Well, dandelions!

What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!



Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!

What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
I'd tell you another joke about a pencil.
But it doesn't have any point!

Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!

What was the gangsters last words?
Who put that violin in my violin case!

Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father?
They called him dad!

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir!

Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot?
He flew 57 missions!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!
What is Cheddar Gorge?
A large cheese sandwich!

What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea?
It gets wet!

Why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her?
To feed her nightmare!

What city cheats at exams?
Peking!

What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
It doesn't eat much!

Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA?
Because it has 4 A's and one B!

Who invented fire?
Some bright spark!
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

What is "out of bounds"?
An exhausted kangaroo!

Have you ever seen a duchess?
Yes - it's the same as an English "s"!

What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!

Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge?
They say it blew his cool!

Would you like a duck egg for tea?
Only if you quack it for me!

I've got a wonder watch. It only cost fifty cents.
Why is it a wonder watch?
Because every time I look at it I wonder if it is still working!

Doctor Jokes!

 

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!



Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?



Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.



Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin.
Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!

Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!



Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up!
Just simmer down!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please! Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!



Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then! Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name!



Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor! Doctor, Doctor Ive lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!



Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
I can't believe that!

Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox!

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth
Get out of the way, your in my light! Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know!

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